Where We First Learned Love: Unpacking the Past to Heal Our Relationships

Love.
We crave it.
We chase it.
Sometimes we fear it.

But very few of us pause long enough to ask: Where did I first learn what love is supposed to feel like?

For many of us, that blueprint was drawn long before our first kiss or romantic relationship. It was shaped in our families—through what was spoken, what was withheld, what was modeled, and what was broken.

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Our First Love Lessons

Our family of origin is our first classroom for relationships. Whether your upbringing was nurturing or neglectful, chaotic or calm, it left an imprint. These early experiences planted unconscious beliefs about how love should look and feel.

• If you had to earn affection, you might now equate love with over-giving or self-abandonment.
• If love was inconsistent, you might cling tightly or fear it won’t last.
• If boundaries were violated, you may struggle with trust or intimacy.
• If emotions were dismissed, you may feel unsafe expressing needs.

Even the unspoken rules—“Don’t cry.” “Be strong.” “Love hurts.”—can become silent scripts that show up in adult relationships, quietly dictating how we give, receive, or avoid love altogether.

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It’s Not Just Trauma, It’s Narrative

It’s not always about one major trauma. Sometimes it’s the small, repeated moments that quietly teach us who we need to be to feel loved—or to stay safe. Or what love actually looks like.

We internalize those lessons into narratives like:

• “I have to take care of everyone else.”
• “I’m too much.”
• “I’m not enough“
• “I don’t deserve real love.”
• “If I’m vulnerable, I’ll be hurt.”
• “If someone shows me too much attention then it means they have an agenda and I’ll be hurt”.

And these narratives don’t just stay in the past—they show up in how we date, argue, trust, set boundaries, accept and give love, or shrink ourselves in our relationships today.

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Healing Means Rewriting the Script

The good news?
We can learn a new love language.
We can update the narrative. We do not have to stay in the same storyline anymore.

Healing begins with awareness—unpacking our early messages around love, safety, connection, and identity. It continues with compassion—offering ourselves grace as we meet the younger parts of us that still carry those early wounds. And it deepens with intention—choosing to show up differently in our relationships, day by day.

This isn’t just about romantic love. It’s about learning how to love yourself, your inner child, and others with more clarity, confidence, and care.

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Let’s Do This Together: Join the Workshop

If this resonates, I invite you to join Tahiyya Martin for an upcoming experience that is more than just a workshop—it’s a reclamation.

Girls ^(and boys) Need Love Too
Sunday, August 10 | 1PM–4PM EST
Virtual + In-Person (North Carolina)

In this 3-hour coed experience, we’ll explore:

• How our families shaped our love blueprint
• How to recognize (and shift) unhelpful relationship patterns
• How to love and be loved in ways that are secure, authentic, and liberating

This is a space for healing, growth, and real talk—for those ready to get honest about the past and hopeful about what’s possible next.

→ Reserve your spot here: [Registration Link]
Come with your heart. Leave with clarity, connection, and tools for deeper love.

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You deserve love that feels safe, whole, and free.
Let’s remember how to give and receive it—together.

With heart,
She Heals Team xoxo

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And if you find that you are ready to do some deeper work Ms. Martin has an upcoming Sexual Trauma Recovery Group coming in September. There is room for 8 participants as she would like to keep the space sacred and intimate. Check out the details here.