Who’s Really Arguing? Understanding the “Parts” That Show Up in Conflict

By Tahiyya Martin LCMHC, LPC

Relationships are some of the most beautiful—and challenging—mirrors we have (I’ll do a blog on mirrors soon). Especially when conflict arises, it’s easy to feel confused, misunderstood, or even disconnected from the person we love the most.

When I work with couples in therapy, one of the most helpful tools I teach is something called parts work. Don’t worry—this doesn’t mean you’re broken into pieces. In fact, this approach helps us understand that all of us have different “parts” or sides of ourselves that show up in certain moments, especially under stress, fear, or emotional threat.

What Is a “Part”?

Think of a part like a role or voice inside you. For example, you might have a part that wants closeness and connection—and another part that gets defensive when you feel hurt. You might have a part that shuts down to keep you safe, and another part that gets loud to be heard. These are all valid, protective parts of you.

The same goes for your partner. They, too, have parts that are trying to help them cope, connect, and survive—though sometimes these parts clash in ways that feel frustrating or painful.

Remember we all come into the relationship with our own challenges, traumas, and experiences. So it is only fitting that we all also have parts. This is not a one sided concept in relationships. 

In Conflict, It’s Often Our Parts Arguing—Not Our Whole Selves

When you’re in a disagreement with your partner, it’s often not your full, adult, grounded self that’s reacting—it’s a younger, protective, or hurt part. Maybe it’s the part of you that didn’t feel seen growing up. Or the part of you that learned to please others to avoid rejection. Maybe it’s the part that panics when you sense emotional distance.

If you pause and ask yourself, What part of me is showing up right now?, you may be surprised by what you discover.

And if you and your partner both get curious about your parts, you can shift from blaming each other to understanding why you’re reacting the way you are—and what that part really needs. In my sessions you’ll often hear me ask, “what does that part need?”. 

A Common Example

Let’s say one partner pulls away during an argument, and the other partner gets louder and more intense. On the surface, this might look like one person “shutting down” and the other “being too much.”

But underneath?

• The withdrawing partner might have a part that learned to go quiet to avoid making things worse.
  
• The pursuer or louder partner might have a part that gets big and expressive when they’re scared of being left or not cared for.
  

Once both partners can name the parts that are showing up, we can begin to work with those parts more gently, instead of fighting from them. The goal is to integrate and allow the grounded adult to appear in the relational space.

So How Do We Work With These Parts?

Here’s what I often encourage couples to practice:

1. Pause and Notice: Take a breath and check in with yourself. What part of you is present right now? Is it angry? Hurt? Protective? Needing something?
   
2. Speak for the Part, Not From It: Instead of saying, “You never listen to me!” try “A part of me feels really unheard right now.” This small shift can help your partner stay open instead of getting defensive.
   
3. Get Curious, Not Critical: Ask your partner with compassion, “What part of you do you think is showing up?” This helps create space for dialogue, not defensiveness.
   
4. Name the Need: Every part has a need. Maybe it needs reassurance, comfort, space, or just to feel seen. When we can name the need, we move from reaction to repair.
   

The Beauty of Parts Work in Relationships

The goal isn’t to get rid of your parts—these parts developed for good reason. These parts got us through some tough times as kids. They just don’t have a place as we have done our healing and want to show up in the grounded adult space. The goal is to understand them, soften them, and learn to stay connected even when they show up.

In therapy, I hold space for each partner’s inner world—so the relational space becomes a place of healing, not just managing conflict. And over time, couples begin to see each other not as “the problem,” but as humans with histories, protectors, and needs—all trying to love the best they can.

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Closing Note:

If this resonates with you and your partner, know you’re not alone. Conflict is not a sign of failure—it’s often an invitation to grow together. If you’re curious to explore how parts work can deepen your connection, I’d be honored to walk with you on that journey.

With care and love,
Tahiyya Martin
Relationship, Sex, & Grief Therapist | She Heals Journey PLLC